


He Who is Without Sin

by tmchen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Religion, Romance, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-23
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-02-26 17:47:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2660918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tmchen/pseuds/tmchen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. A deeply religious Dean Winchester struggles with being gay and joins a monastery to devote his life to god and avoid temptation. When he meets Castiel his resolve is tested. Can he resist and finally find the peace of mind he craves? Destiel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm definitely going to hell for this story I hope you at least enjoy reading it ;) I do hope it doesn't offend anyone, as that certainly is not my intention.

Dean looked at his small duffel bag which held everything he would be taking with him to his new life. It really wasn't much but he wouldn't need much where he was going. He looked around the empty room one last time and then grabbed his bag and left, closing the door behind him, behind his old life.

His brother was waiting for him with his fiancée Jess, by the front door. "Are you sure about this, Dean?" Sam asked for the about one hundredth's time.

"Yes, I am sure. It's the right thing for me," Dean answered, sounding more certain than he actually felt but it was still true. He couldn't continue living like this, with temptation everywhere and yet having to deny himself the pleasure of giving in. It was wrong. His dad had told him that over and over and made sure that Dean understood.

It had started when he was fifteen and his best friend had brought his cousin over to his house to play. Dean had instantly liked is friend's cousin and had felt exactly like other friends had described feeling when they had a crush on a girl. Dean had never really felt like that with a girl before and that day he felt it with a boy.

It had confused him because from his religious dad he had already learned that these feelings were wrong. But the feelings had been strong and he'd met his friend's cousin again and eventually they had gotten closer. Dean's dad had caught them when they'd kissed for the first time and severely punished Dean for it. He had even called a priest to perform an exorcism, reasoning Dean must have been possessed by some kind of demon to make him kiss a guy.

Dean had agreed that something was wrong with him even though he hadn't believed the possession theory. He had looked for help and guidance in religion and had tried to avoid temptation wherever it was possible. He had even tried going out with girls to appear normal and for a while he had been able to pretend to have a relationship with Lisa Braeden. But it was hard and now in his twenties he had the feeling that eventually he would give in to the craving for being with another man.

"The right thing? Dean, you're leaving all of us behind, your entire life. This is a huge step. Are you absolutely sure about this?" Sam asked again.

"Yes, Sam. I have thought about this for a long time and I'm sure. Let's go," Dean answered, grabbed his duffel bag and walked out of the now empty apartment.

With a heavy heart Sam followed his brother and closed the door behind him. He didn't want to see his brother go but he understood Dean's reasons. He had watched his brother struggle and suffer over the years and wanted him to finally find some peace of mind. But joining a monastery was a drastic step.

"I know it's full of men. But it's mostly old monks in long, billowy robes. And they have devoted their life to the Lord. Even if I felt some attraction to one of them, which is unlikely, I wouldn't have a chance to act on it," Dean had explained his decision to Sam and Jess a few weeks ago.

Their dad had of course thought that it was a brilliant idea and had supported Dean in everything. From reaching the decision, to finding the right place for him and making the necessary arrangements. Last night they'd had their last family dinner and Sam had tried one last time to change Dean's mind, getting into a loud fight with their dad. He had ended up leaving early but he had promised Dean to come to the monastery with him the next day and that was what he was doing now.

Dean put his bag in the trunk of the car and then slid into the driver's seat for the last time. This car had been his only true love, his baby, and it was hard giving her up. Almost as hard as leaving his family behind but he had no choice, if he didn't want to be damned forever. And he was leaving the Impala in his brother's care. Sam had been pleasantly surprised about the offer and had promised to look after Dean's baby.

They drove to the monastery in silence. There was so much to say, even though they had already talked so much. But all of them knew that talking wouldn't change anything anymore now, so they stayed quiet until the high walls of the monastery came into view. Dean stopped the car at the foot of the hill on which his new home was located.

"So…," Dean said.

"So…," Sam echoed. "I guess this is goodbye now."

"Yes, it is," Dean agreed a little sad. For a split second he considered just starting the car again and driving away but the moment didn't last long and Dean unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the door to get out of the car. Sam and Jess followed suit. Quickly Dean went to the back of the car to get his bag and Sam and Jess met him there. He put the bag on the ground and faced his brother and his brother's fiancée.

"Thank you for coming here with me," Dean told them and then pulled Jess into a hug.

"You're welcome. I hope you'll be happy here," Jess said warmly and Dean gave her a small smile. Then he turned to his brother.

"Really? A hug?" Sam asked but then he smiled and pulled Dean into his arms, holding on to him for a few seconds. "I'll miss you dude. Take care."

"I'll miss you, too. Take good care of my baby," Dean answered and Sam nodded. Then Dean turned and walked up the winding path to the monastery, turning around halfway there, to see Sam and Jess still standing next to the car, watching him go.

Finally he reached the large wooden front door and knocked forcefully. He didn't have to wait long for it to be opened. An older, gruff looking man with a beard and wearing a long, scratchy, brown robe greeted him.

"You must be Dean Winchester. We've been waiting for you. I'm Bobby. I'll show you around," the monk said and stepped aside to let Dean enter. He was exactly what Dean had expected when he had imagined the monks and there was absolutely no attraction there. Dean was relieved.

"Yes, I am Dean," he answered quietly and stepped carefully through the door. The place was old and intimidating. When the door closed, Dean just saw how his brother drove away with the Impala. Then he turned to Bobby for good, ready to start his new life.

"Come on, I'll get you some clothes and show you your room. You have tonight to yourself to settle in and tomorrow you'll meet the abbot and learn about your duties," Bobby announced and started walking. Dean hesitated for a moment but then followed the monk deeper into the building which was now his new home.


	2. Chapter 2

Bobby led Dean through the wide hallways of the monastery and up a few flights of stairs until they reached the monks' living quarters. Dean felt more like he was walking through a medieval fortress than through a present day monastery but it had a certain appeal and he felt far away from the outside world and all his worldly problems. At the very end of one of the hallways Bobby stopped and opened a door to a small and plain room with two beds.

"You'll have this room to yourself, as well as most of this hallway. We don't get many novices anymore," Bobby told him.

"Oh. Well, good for me I guess," Dean said carefully and Bobby smiled warmly at him.

"The bathroom is behind the second door on the left. It's for everyone in this hallway but most rooms are unoccupied. The monks who have been here for a while, like me, are on the floor below. Now I'll give some time to settle in. Mass starts in an hour and after that we'll have dinner. I'll pick you up so you won't get lost. This place can be confusing in the beginning."

"Thank you," Dean said and Bobby nodded once and then left him alone. Dean closed the door and sat down on the bed closer to the door. Suddenly he felt very lonely. He had known what he was getting into, that he'd have to sever ties with his family and friends but still this feeling was something he hadn't been able to prepare for and he hoped it would become bearable over time. It would probably never go away completely.

He sighed and took in the small room with the two narrow beds, a desk and a closet and the plain white walls, which were empty except for a crucifix. Then he opened his bag and quickly started to put his things away. It wasn't much, just a few clothes, which he would probably not be able to wear anyway, some books and toiletries.

When those things were all neatly stowed away he took the sheets, which he'd found in the closet, and made his bed. Then he took the pile of clothes Bobby had picked up for him on the way to the room and changed out of his shirt and jeans and into the gray robe. It was a different color than the brown of Bobby's robe and the robes he had seen the other monks wear. But that was probably because he was a novice and not yet a monk, he figured.

The hour Bobby had given him was over sooner than he thought and a knock on the door alerted Dean to Bobby's presence. He opened the door and Bobby looked around quickly and nodded approvingly at Dean.

"I see you made yourself at home already. Good. Let's go to mass. Try to remember the way to the chapel so you can find it on your own tomorrow," Bobby said and left the room, waiting for Dean to follow.

Dean tried his best to remember the way but he wasn't sure if he would able to find his room again on his own. The building was huge and every hallway looked exactly like the one before, so he could only memorize the turns and stairs on their way. He'd probably need a few days before he could find his way around this place.

Finally they arrived at the chapel which was a little off to the side of the main building. A beautiful archway led around a small but well cared for herb garden and to the entrance of the chapel. The inside of the chapel was plain compared to what Dean had seen in other churches but it was still beautiful and awe-inspiring. Against the walls, along the rows of polished hardwood pews were elaborate marble statues of different saints. They were in perfect condition. The light filtering in through the big stained-glass windows all around gave the place a very serene yet welcoming atmosphere.

All the other monks were already there so Bobby and Dean sat down in the back. They had made it just in time to listen to the priest start mass. For one hour they sang and prayed and listened to what the priest had to say and Dean felt himself calming down, the longer he worshipped the Lord in this community. For the first time, since watching Sam leave, he felt good and as if he belonged there.

When mass was over Dean and Bobby waited to let the other monks pass first before they followed them out of the chapel and toward the refectory for dinner.

"So, do you think you'll find this place on your own tomorrow?" Bobby asked.

"Maybe I'll find the chapel but I don't think I'll find my way to my room or anywhere else yet," Dean answered truthfully.

"Don't worry. After evening mass you just have to follow the crowd to find the refectory, so at least you won't starve."

Dean smiled at that. "Well, that's a relief," he replied.

"Oh, one more thing. No talking during dinner. We're supposed to be quiet during the meals. Just so you know. We wouldn't want you to get in trouble right on your first day here, would we?" Bobby told him, and Dean shook his head.

"No, definitely not. Thanks for the warning." Dean was grateful and he found that he liked Bobby. He hadn't gotten to know any other monks yet but if they were as nice as Bobby, then life here would be good. And he felt that he had already found someone he could call a friend in the older man showing him around.

They reached the dining hall and the only sounds coming from the inside were the ones of chairs scraping across the stone floor and people sitting down. Bobby and Dean found two seats at the end of one of the long tables in the room and Dean looked around curiously. It was his first chance to really examine the faces of the men he would be living with from now on.

There were hardly any men that looked younger than Bobby and certainly none in Dean's age. Many wore a beard that hid most of their face and with the long and wide robes Dean felt not the least bit of physical attraction towards any of them. Of course he couldn't see everyone at the other table but the ones he did see, seemed to be representative of the monks in this monastery.

Then the food was passed around the table, interrupting Dean's thoughts and everyone loaded their plates and started to eat after saying a short, private prayer. It was simple but it tasted good and even though Dean knew he'd miss his favorite cheeseburger, the food was good enough to keep him fed and happy.

When they had eaten Bobby took Dean back to his room. "So, how was your first day here? You think you'll stay?" Bobby asked when they reached the door to Dean's room.

"It was quite nice actually. So, yeah, I think I'll stay," Dean answered.

"Good. Too many young men have no idea what they are getting into and leave again right after dinner. I don't know what they think this place is." Bobby shook his head at the thought. "Well, you have some free time now. This is supposed to be for praying and studying the bible but I understand if you'd rather go exploring or something. It's for your own peace of mind really, so do whatever you feel comfortable with. Just don't stay up too late because we're meeting in the refectory at six in the morning for prayer and breakfast."

"Okay, thanks," Dean said and Bobby left him alone. Dean went into his room, trying to decide what to do but he felt a bit restless and Bobby's suggestion of exploring the place a little on his own sounded good. If he didn't wander off too far, he should be able to find his way back.

But this plan was soon forgotten as Dean started to get lost in the beauty he found everywhere he went. The halls were only dimly lit and the light made the whole place look mysterious but it also accentuated things Dean hadn't noticed earlier. There were religious reliefs in some places incorporated into the walls, each one unique and amazingly detailed. Dean wandered along these walls and reached a hall he hadn't been in before. He would have remembered the beautiful tapestry he saw there.

He stayed there for quite some time until he felt it was getting late and he should head back to his room to get some sleep. But when he left the hall he couldn't remember which direction he had come from. There was no one around to ask, so he had to pick one hallway and hope it led to a familiar place but he had no such luck. He kept going in circles and ended up in the hall with the tapestry again.

"It's a beautiful place, isn't it?" a low gravelly voice asked him when he returned after his failed attempt to find his room.

Dean spun around to find a man sitting on a small stone bench in the shade between two lamps, so that Dean couldn't see his face. "Yes. Yes, it is," he agreed, wondering how long the man had been there already.

"I often come here in the evening to pray. I feel very close to Him in here, surrounded by these images of His son which the founders of this monastery created," the man told Dean.

Dean found it a little unnerving that he couldn't see the man's face and didn't know who he was talking to but he felt it might be rude to demand to know the man's name. "It does have a special atmosphere," he said instead.

The man nodded and then got up and moved out of the shadows. He was a little shorter and probably a few years older than Dean, had dark hair that looked like it hadn't seen a brush all day and when he turned his face into the light, Dean saw the bluest eyes he'd ever seen on anyone.

"I am Castiel," he finally introduced himself.

"I'm Dean," Dean answered.

"Yes, you're the new one. It is late Dean. You should get some sleep," Castiel told him.

"I was going to but I'm afraid I'm lost. I can't find the way back to my room," Dean answered a little bit embarrassed about this.

"Ah, I see. Let me show you the way then," Castiel said with a friendly smile and started walking away and Dean hurried to follow him.

It turned out that his room wasn't that far away really, Dean had only taken a much longer route to get to the hall where he had met Castiel. At his door Castiel stopped and turned to look at Dean.

"Here it is. Have a good night, Dean," he said.

"Thank you. You, too," Dean answered and Castiel smiled at him and looked him directly in the eyes for a moment and suddenly Dean could feel his heart beating very fast. He quickly broke the eye contact and went into his room, closing the door behind him. He leaned against the door and waited for his heartbeat to slow down, the intensity of the blue gaze burned into his mind.

"Shit," he whispered softly. This had not been supposed to happen.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean stayed like that, with his back against the door, until he was certain that Castiel had left. Then he carefully opened the door just a crack to make sure the hallway was empty, before he stepped out of his room and went to the bathroom. There he splashed some cold water in his face to clear his head and chase away all thoughts of that mysterious blue-eyed man. When he felt back in control he got ready for bed and returned to his room to try and get some sleep.

When the bell woke him up early the next morning he needed a moment to remember where he was and what had happened the day before. But after taking a quick look around it all came back to him. He went to the bathroom to take a shower and wake up completely and when he returned to his room, Bobby was just walking down the hallway to pick him up and make sure he didn't get lost.

"How was your first night here?" Bobby asked when they walked to the refectory.

"Good, thanks. I did some exploring last night and found some really nice corners. How old is this place?"

"It's actually not as old as it looks. It was designed to look like old, medieval European monasteries but it has all the amenities of a modern building," Bobby explained and Dean nodded.

"I like it. It feels right," Dean said but then they stopped talking because they reached the refectory and most of the other monks were already seated and it was quiet in the big hall. Bobby led Dean to the end of the nearest table, where a few chairs were still empty. Dean looked around as he sat down, trying to see the faces of the men around him. He didn't see Castiel, which was exactly what he had hoped for.

Before he had fallen asleep the night before he had decided that he would just avoid Castiel as much as possible. In a monastery with as many monks as he'd seen during mass and dinner it shouldn't be too hard to avoid one man. And what he saw now seemed to support that theory. He relaxed and joined the other monks in silent prayer.

For several minutes not one person moved and all that could be heard was the quiet breathing of the praying men but one after another they lifted their heads and when the last monk had finished his prayer, breakfast was served. It wasn't what Dean was used to but then he hadn't exactly expected pancakes or bacon and eggs. The bread that they got to eat though was clearly self-made and the best he had ever tasted. It was definitely something he could enjoy.

When breakfast was over he followed Bobby into the hallway because he didn't know what he was supposed to do now, what was expected of him. But Bobby already had the answer for him.

"The abbot wants to meet you. He greets every new member of our community personally and he will figure out a schedule with you and tell you everything you need to know," Bobby told Dean.

"Okay. I'm curious to find out what I'll be doing here. I mean, you all have different jobs around here, don't you?"

Bobby smiled. "Yes, we do. It is necessary to keeps things running in here. We're nearly self-sufficient."

When Dean had no more questions for the moment, Bobby turned and led the way to the abbot's office. At first Dean thought Bobby was taking him back to his room but he took another turn and they walked through the room with the beautiful tapestry where Dean had met Castiel the night before. Next to the bench, on which Castiel had sat and watched Dean, was a door Dean hadn't noticed earlier. And Bobby went straight towards it and knocked. Suddenly Dean was nervous.

"Come in," a gruff voice, muffled by the thick wood of the door, called and Bobby indicated for Dean to go inside. Slowly Dean opened the heavy door and went inside the office. He couldn't immediately see the abbot because he was standing in a narrow passage that felt almost like a short tunnel, which opened into the office.

"Hello, Dean. Come on in and have a seat," the voice said and before Dean could even see the man it belonged to, he recognized it as Castiel's voice. He would have recognized that voice anywhere, even after having heard it only once before. He hesitated a moment but he had no choice and went into the office where the abbot Castiel was waiting for him. He was sitting behind a large desk, looking at Dean expectantly with a friendly smile. The light of the rising sun that was breaking in the glass of the window behind him, made it look like he had a halo and Dean thought it was a fitting image.

"Hello," Dean said quietly as he sat down on the chair, facing Castiel.

"Welcome to our community, Dean," Castiel said. "As you have probably heard before we don't get many novices, so we're happy about everyone who wants to join us. But we have be sure that this really is the life you want from now on. Therefore you will be a novice until I think you're ready to become a monk." He paused to give Dean a chance to absorb his words and ask questions, should he have any.

"How will you know when that time has come?" Dean wanted to know, feeling less nervous now, with this conversation. He had no reason to be nervous. The only person he felt some attraction to in this place was the abbot. No way was he in any danger of giving in to the temptation. It wasn't ideal but he could deal with this. And how often would he see the abbot anyway?

"Well, we will talk about it, of course. A good start would be for you to tell me why you made the decision to join us," Castiel said and Dean stared at him in horror. He couldn't tell this man his reason for wanting to join a monastery. He didn't want anyone in this place to see him as the impure man that he knew he was. He was here to repent and become a better man but he didn't want anyone to know just yet.

"Okay, I understand. Take your time and tell me when you're ready. You'll have plenty of opportunities to do that during our weekly meetings but you will have to tell me eventually. And if you ever have any questions or just need someone to talk to, my door is always open," Castiel told him with a smile.

"Wait, weekly meetings?" Dean asked still slightly horrified at the prospect of telling this man his darkest secret some day. This was not what he had expected and it would make everything so much harder. He must have sinned more than he was aware of to be punished like this. Or maybe it was a test? He would do whatever it took to pass it, week after week.

"Yes, we'll study the bible together and talk about anything that seems important. If I am to welcome you into our community I need to know who you are. Only then can I make you one of us," Castiel explained and it made sense to Dean.

"Okay, I understand. And what will I be doing during the rest of the week?" Dean asked and Cas smiled at that.

"You seem like someone who is good at working with his hands. I don't think you'd be happy in the kitchen, am I right?"

"Yes, that would probably make many more people unhappy," Dean admitted his non-existent cooking skills.

"Then that is not what you will be doing. I'll make you Bobby's assistant for now. He's kind of our own handyman. He can fix almost anything but he could use some help. And that way you will get to know every part of this place and meet all the other monks. If you find a more suitable position for you, let me know and we can talk about your options."

"Okay, thanks. I think I'll be fine working with Bobby," Dean said and Castiel gave him a brilliant smile that made his heart miss a beat and he felt like he was drowning in the blue of the abbot's eyes.

A loud knock on the door ended the moment and when Castiel broke the eye contact between them Dean quickly lowered his gaze to his hands in his lap.

"Come in," Castiel called and a moment later Bobby was standing in the office next to Dean.

"You told me to come pick him up again. Am I too early?" Bobby asked.

"No, we were just finished. Dean agreed to work with you for a while, so show him everything he needs to know. I think it would be best if you would also be his mentor in spiritual questions as well, if you are willing to do that," Castiel told Bobby.

"Of course. It's an honor," Bobby replied.

"Great. Well, it was nice meeting you, Dean. And remember, if you need anything, talk to Bobby or me at any time. I expect you back here every Wednesday after breakfast for our meetings," Castiel told Dean warmly and Dean only nodded, not trusting his voice to work properly. It seemed to be enough for Castiel because he nodded once in response and then looked down at some papers on his desk.

Bobby tugged on the sleeve of Dean's robe to get him to turn and follow him outside and Dean was glad to leave the abbot's office and find some work to get his mind of everything. This monastery thing would be harder than he had anticipated but still easier than living in the outside world.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, maybe I should have said this earlier but I am not actually very knowledgable when it comes to religion so I'm trying to use as little references to the bible as possible. But when I do use one and it makes no sense in the context, I apoligize for that and invoke artistic liberty. Also probably some people might not agree with Castiel's point of view, but it's how I see things. Okay, now enjoy the chapter.

Bobby kept Dean busy for the next days, so Dean didn't have time much to even think about the problem Castiel might be for his resolution. Bobby showed him everything he needed to know and even though the monastery wasn't as old as it led people to believe, there was always something that needed to be fixed. Sometimes they just needed to change a light bulb, sometimes fix a broken chair and once they had to replace a leaking pipe in one of the bathrooms.

Dean also got to know a few of the other monks and so far he liked all of them. First he met Rufus who was in charge of everything that happened in the kitchen, which made him a very important and powerful man in Dean's opinion. He was the one who needed more light. Rufus was about Bobby's age and the two men seemed to be good friends, as far as Dean could tell.

The broken chair was in the library, where Dean met Chuck, the librarian, who was around Dean's age. He was shorter than Dean and his small frame was hidden in an overly wide robe, just as his face was hidden behind a beard. He was very shy and hardly said a word while Dean and Bobby were there and he never looked at them, keeping his eyes on the ground, even when they were talking to him. Bobby later told Dean that Chuck had been an abused teenager who had found refuge in the monastery and had never left and he only felt comfortable when he was surrounded by his books.

The monk who alerted them to the broken pipe was Zachariah, who took care of the herb garden and his knowledge was a great help when someone got sick. He was gray-haired and balding and he had a strange sense of humor but Bobby assured Dean that once you had gotten used to that, Zachariah was actually a nice guy.

And when they weren't working they were having private prayer time or had mass or it was meal time, where Dean never caught a glimpse of the abbot. Not that he couldn't wait to see him again. He just wanted to know where to expect Castiel so he wouldn't be taken by surprise. But Castiel didn't seem to be eating with the other monks. At least Dean never saw him but then he couldn't really see all of the men from his place at the end of the long table, which was good because it made not thinking about the man easier.

The night before his meeting with Castiel was difficult for Dean though. Even though he had hardly thought about the abbot, this night he invaded his dreams. As soon as he closed his eyes, Castiel's face appeared before him, with his amazing blue eyes, the tousled dark hair and the kind smile.

He caught himself imagining what those lips would feel like wrapped around his cock and suddenly he realized that he was naked and Castiel was sliding down onto his knees in front of him and Dean had his hand in his hair on the back of his head. Dean was already hard and before he fully comprehended what was happening, Cas took his length into his mouth and started sucking. It felt unbelievably good and Dean moaned loudly.

"Caaassss!"

He woke with a start. He had moaned out loud and that had woken him. He sat upright in his bed, breathing heavily, covered in sweat and shocked about this dream and to find that he was still hard in reality. For a few minutes he just sat there trying to calm down but the images from the dream wouldn't go away and his erection only grew harder until it became almost painful.

Having to admit to himself that the problem wouldn't just go away, he got out of bed and went to the bathroom where he quickly and none too gently jerked off, hating himself and his lack of control the entire time. When he washed his hands he couldn't even look at his reflection in the mirror and he was glad when he could leave and go back to his room and after a short prayer to ask for forgiveness for his weakness, he went back to sleep and had no more dreams.

He was very tired the next morning and had to be careful not to fall asleep during the morning prayer. That would not only have been embarrassing but also disrespectful and would not make a good impression. Finally it was time to eat and Dean was relieved because it'd wake him up some more but at the same time he dreaded the end of the breakfast because then he would have to go see Castiel and he had no idea how he could ever look at the man after the last night's dream.

When breakfast was over he talked to Bobby, agreeing to meet with him in the library after his meeting with the abbot. Chuck had asked for help again because he thought the ladder he used to reach the top shelves was starting to fall apart and Bobby wanted to check out the rest of the furniture there, before Chuck called them again in a few days.

Then Bobby walked away to see Chuck and Dean made his way to Castiel's office. He knew his way around the monastery pretty well by now and found the office without a problem. He was determined to be strong and make it through this meeting quickly but when he lifted his hand to knock, he hesitated for a bit and took a deep breath before his fist connected with the wood of the door in a confident knock.

"Come in," Castiel called and Dean pushed the door open and walked into the office, his confidence fading with each step he took closer to the abbot. He could almost feel Castiel's presence before he could see him and when he finally stepped into the open space of the office and saw the actual man sitting behind his desk he had to avert his eyes because the feelings the dream had caused him came back immediately.

"Hello," Dean said quietly and took a seat.

"Hello, Dean. How have your first few days been in here?" Castiel asked with an amiable smile.

"Good. Everyone is very friendly and helpful and I enjoy working with Bobby. It really helps with getting to know people and this place, too," Dean answered still avoiding to look at the abbot as much as possible. Castiel nodded at him.

"It does. I'm glad you're settling in so well. Let's start with our studies, shall we?"

Dean agreed and they started with reading and discussing bible passages about new beginnings, something for Dean to hold on to when he felt that this new life was not what he had expected and was harder than he thought. They read several passages and talked about what they meant and Dean chose his favorite, which he memorized.

'Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.' Isaiah 43:18-19

Even though he was trying hard to concentrate on his task, the images of that dream he'd had kept haunting him and every time he looked at Castiel he felt a rush of lust and he had to look down at his bible again to pretend that nothing was wrong. He did manage to follow everything Castiel said and answered when he was supposed to, so he was surprised when Castiel closed his bible with a soft crack and gave Dean a stern look.

"Dean, I can tell there is something wrong. Obviously you don't want to talk about it but it would really help. Maybe I can even give you some advice," Castiel said and Dean looked shocked. He thought he had been doing a good job at pretending that everything was alright.

"Thank you, but I think I'll be okay," Dean tried to get out of this uncomfortable conversation but Castiel just smiled and shook his head.

"No, that is not good enough. Tell me what's wrong."

Dean hesitated a little longer but he had a feeling that Castiel would not allow him to leave until he had told him what was on his mind, so Dean told him an edited version of the dream he'd had, leaving out whose face he had seen.

"I feel so dirty for having that dream and I feel weak for having to touch myself after. I just couldn't help it," Dean confessed but leaving out the fact that talking about the dream and looking Castiel in the eye was actually a huge turn on, no matter how bad he felt about it. He was grateful for the wide robe he was wearing, so that Castiel couldn't see how twisted and dirty he really was.

Castiel remained quiet for a moment when Dean had stopped talking. "What did you do when you were done?" he finally asked.

"I asked the Lord for forgiveness," Dean answered.

"Good. That was the right thing to do. Living in a monastery isn't always easy, Dean. Not even for me," Castiel started and Dean looked up at him, surprised at what the abbot was implying. "We're all just human and we have human weaknesses and sometimes we give in. The Lord knows this, he created us like this. I don't believe he will condemn us just because we were weak and gave in to a natural urge. You asked Him for forgiveness and you shall receive it. Try your best to stay strong, that is all anyone can ask."

Dean was stunned by these words. This was completely different from what his father had preached every day at home. He didn't know what to say but Castiel was a monk, an abbot, he had to know more than his dad and Dean very much wanted to believe in every word Castiel had said. All his life he had felt dirty, like a constant sinner and here Castiel told him that things weren't that bad, that sometimes your control slipped and it was okay.

"Thank you," Dean mumbled and then got up to leave the office, determined to be strong today and ignore his arousal, which had only intensified when Castiel had said those words. He would prove to God, to himself, to his father and to Castiel that he could be strong. Now he wanted that more than ever.


	5. Chapter 5

Castiel sighed and let his head fall back to rest against the chair, when the office door closed behind Dean, leaving him alone in the room. Dean would not be the only one who needed to be strong on this day. And Castiel knew that Dean needed strength today because he had noticed how Dean had started to shift uncomfortably in his seat when he had talked about the dream he'd had and that he'd moved a little stiffly when he had left the office.

Castiel pressed his palm against his own crotch and took a deep breath. He stayed like this, not moving for a while, until he felt that he had himself and his arousal under control again. He hadn't felt like this in years and especially not since becoming a monk. Actually, thinking back he realized he had never felt like that.

Even as a teenager, when his body had changed and he had been curious about sex, it had never been like this. All his love had always been for the Lord, which was why he had become a monk. And now there was Dean and suddenly things were different and complicated. But he couldn't let these thoughts and feelings take control. With an effort he pushed all inappropriate thoughts about the novice to the back of his mind.

Dean telling him about having a sex dream with some girl shouldn't have affected him like that. It shouldn't turn him on and it shouldn't make him feel that tiny sting of jealousy he had noticed, when he had seen how vivid the memory of the dream still was for Dean. It had simply taken him by surprise, he decided. Shaking his head once to clear it, he sat up straight again and got to work on his daily tasks, which came with running a monastery.

For the next few weeks both Dean and Castiel avoided this particular topic, although there was obviously tension there between them. But they kept strictly to Dean's studies and when they talked about life at the monastery they were careful not to talk about any too personal issues.

Whenever Dean had some time completely for himself he went to the library because there he could look for answers in books or just sit there and think. Chuck didn't mind and he didn't talk to Dean either, staying away from him when he was there. Several times Dean had thought about giving up and just leaving but then what would he do?

His father would be even more disappointed in him. Dean had never seen John as happy as he had been when he had decided to join a monastery. When he and Sam had been children John had been very proud of his two boys and had seen a bright future for them with great jobs and wives and children. After their mother's tragic death John had taken his sons camping and hunting in the woods and taught them how to repair cars. All that had changed when he had discovered that his eldest son was gay. It had shocked him and ruined the great plan he'd had for Dean.

From that moment on he'd spent every free minute with Dean in church, talking to different priests, desperate to find a 'cure' for Dean's 'affliction' but of course there had been none. Dean had only wanted to please his dad and get better and had immersed himself in religion, too, thinking it was the only way to help him. Over the time he had learned to suppress his urges, until a few months ago when he had suddenly felt that he couldn't hold on much longer. At that point he had decided to join a monastery.

While Dean had spent his time with reading the Bible and in church groups, Sam had become the good son and John had done the things with Sam, which they had used to do as a family before. This had made Dean feel even guiltier, especially since he had always enjoyed those activities more than Sam and Sam had only gone along to be with his brother.

"Are…are you okay?" a quiet voice startled him out of his thoughts about his family. He was sitting in the library and no one ever talked in here, so he was surprised to find Chuck of all people standing next to him, giving him a shy but concerned look. Apparently his constant brooding had gotten Chuck's attention.

"Yeah, Chuck. Thanks. I guess I just miss my family a bit," Dean told him and that wasn't a total lie. He had always spent a lot of time with his brother and they had never spent this much time apart. He really did miss Sam.

"You know…you…you can always talk to the abbot. He really…he really helped me," Chuck suggested timidly, seeming to shrink away from Dean's attention, now that Dean was not aimlessly studying the wall anymore.

"I know. But I doubt he can help me with this," Dean answered softly. He seriously doubted that but of course he couldn't tell Chuck the reason.

"Maybe someone else?"

"Maybe. Thanks Chuck, you've been a great help," Dean said and went to find Bobby to speak to him in private. He couldn't believe he hadn't thought of that sooner and he hoped Bobby could give him some advice.

It turned out that Bobby wasn't the right person to discuss personal problems with. Even though Dean told him only a very edited version of his problem, he didn't mention Castiel at all and only hinted at liking men but didn't explicitly say it, Bobby quickly stopped him.

"Dean, if you have a question about a sermon or something, you can talk to me about it as much as you want. But this problem? I'm not the right person to help you there. And since you came to me I suppose you don't want to talk to the abbot about it, right?"

"Yes, you're right. But who can I talk to then?"Dean asked, feeling suddenly a little alone with his troubles.

"I know someone who might be able to help. You can actually meet her right now, if you want to," Bobby told him and Dean nodded.

"Her?" he asked in surprise.

"Yes, Ellen Harvelle. She delivers groceries to the kitchen once a week. Come on, I'm sure she and Rufus won't mind a few extra hands to help them unload the car."

Bobby was right, they didn't mind and with two more people to help, they were finished quickly and Ellen was happy to spend some time with Dean and listen to his problems. They sat down outside beside her truck and Dean started to tell her the same story he had told Bobby.

"Dean stop," she interrupted him almost immediately. "Tell me the whole story, not this cleaned up shit. I need to know everything if I'm supposed to help you."

Dean stared at her for a beat, then he told her the full story, leaving out not one detail this time.

"Wow, I see why you had trouble finding someone to talk to here. I'm afraid I can't offer you the easy magical solution you might be looking for. The only thing I can advise you to do, is to talk to Castiel and tell him everything. Really everything, or this will never get better," Ellen told him when he was finished.

"I understand. You're probably right," Dean said but he didn't exactly sound happy.

"Come on. It's not that bad. Might be just a crush," she tried to cheer him up and then turned her head towards the kitchen door when she heard footsteps. Dean looked up, too, and saw Castiel standing in the door.

"Ellen, do you have a few minutes?" he asked and she sighed and got up.

"Of course. I'll be right there," she told him and then turned to Dean again. "Sometimes I think I chose the wrong profession. I should have become a therapist instead and get paid for talking to you guys." She smiled as she said this though and went towards the door. "Think about what I said," she called and then went inside to find Castiel.

"Thank you. I will," Dean told her when she was almost through the door. In fact he already felt a bit better from just having talked to her.


	6. Chapter 6

Castiel had talked to Ellen about all these new feelings that Dean was causing in him and about his confusion. She had let him speak and had done nothing more than listen to his concerns and had encouraged him to continue when he stopped speaking for some reason. She had been calm and comforting and didn't judge, no matter what he told her. That was what he liked so much about her and why everyone who had a problem liked to talk to her. Sometimes it was helpful to have a woman's perspective.

At first he hadn't told Ellen a name. He had thought that she didn't need to know who it was. Who caused the abbot to want to forget about his vows, made him want to experience closeness, physical as well as spiritual, with another person. It was new to him and Ellen was aware of that. To this point the Lord had been everything to him. But Ellen also had a feeling about who Castiel had been talking about and had pushed him into telling her his name. When he had finally admitted that it was Dean she hadn't been surprised and after a moment of hesitation she had decided to tell Castiel some of the things Dean had told her earlier.

She had told him that she thought they needed to talk about this situation and not keep anything secret and that was why she told Castiel what Dean had said. But she also told him that he shouldn't just tell Dean what he knew and scare him but that he needed to let Dean tell him everything himself. Ellen was pretty sure that Dean would take her advice and talk to Castiel but she couldn't be sure and let these two men, who were both not experienced with a problem like this, screw this whole thing up. But when she had left the monastery she had been confident that Dean and Castiel would be able to work everything out.

Before his next meeting with Castiel, Dean was very nervous. He was going to take Ellen's advice and tell Castiel the truth and he had no idea how Castiel would react. He hadn't slept well during the previous night, fearing that this meeting would change everything for the worse but at the same time knowing that he had to come clean eventually. The secrecy couldn't continue forever or it would eat him up from the inside one day.

At breakfast he hardly ate anything, which was a very untypical behavior for him. But he was so anxious that he had to force himself to eat at least one slice of bread, ignoring the slight nausea he had felt ever since getting up that morning.

Finally it was time to see Castiel and he found himself in front of the abbot's door without any recollection of walking there. He knocked forcefully, there was no turning back now, and entered when Castiel told him to come in.

Dean walked towards the desk and sat down in his usual chair in front of it. He deliberately looked at Castiel, something he had mostly avoided lately, and was instantly mesmerized by the deep blue eyes looking back at him. For a moment he didn't know how to start or even what to say at all.

"I'm gay," he finally blurted out, when the silence became too uncomfortable.

Castiel stared at him and didn't say anything for a moment. They had both been surprised by the suddenness of Dean's confession.

"Okay, please continue," Castiel said when he had recovered his ability to speak, smiling encouragingly at Dean.

"Uhm, well, that's the reason why I came here. I'm gay and I know how wrong that is. The Lord has given me strength the whole time but it didn't work anymore. I needed more guidance and the chance to devote my life to Him, worship Him even more, so hopefully he can forgive me my sins," Dean explained his reasons for wanting to join the monastery, looking away from Castiel now, not ready to face the abbot's disappointment just yet.

"Dean, being gay is not wrong or a sin. The Lord created you and he intended you to be just the way you are. There is nothing wrong with that. He has a plan for you, you just have to trust in Him," Castiel said, needing to believe his own words as much as Dean did.

"Tell me the rest," Castiel said after giving Dean some time to think about what he had just told him.

"How do you know there is more?" Dean asked surprised.

"Just a lucky guess. And Ellen hinted that you might have something to tell me and I've got the feeling that it's not just about your sexual orientation," Castiel explained. He rested his forearms on the desk and waited expectantly for Dean to tell him the rest of the story.

Dean hesitated just a little longer but he had already decided to tell Castiel everything, so he did. "The dream I told you about…" he started and Castiel nodded to indicate that he remembered.

"Well, I told you what happened but I didn't tell you with whom. It was…" Dean stopped again, taking a deep breath, while Castiel silently waited for him to continue speaking, already knowing what Dean might say next but needing to hear it from him. "It was you. I dreamed about you," he finally confessed and closed his eyes in shame, waiting for the inevitable chewing-out.

But when Castiel didn't say anything for several seconds, Dean dared to slowly open his eyes again and squint at Castiel through half-opened lids. He found the abbot looking back at him thoughtfully.

"I see why you didn't want to talk about this earlier," Castiel said slowly, careful to keep his voice neutral. He had a feeling that one wrong word would make Dean run away and he definitely didn't want that to happen.

"So this is what you talked to Ellen about," he continued talking as if he hadn't known before. Dean nodded timidly, still waiting for the other shoe to drop. "Dean, it's okay. It was just a dream. It doesn't mean anything. We can't control our dreams. You can't blame yourself for that," Castiel told the visibly worried novice. But Dean didn't relax at his words, like Castiel had expected. If anything he looked even more worried.

"That's not all," Dean said so quietly that Castiel could hardly understand him. "It wasn't just a dream. I've been thinking about you during the day, too. Not so much when I'm at work but whenever I have some time for myself and especially before these meetings. Just sitting here with you, looking at you makes me remember that dream and it turns me incredibly on. And there is nothing I can do about it and honestly I'm not even so sure anymore that I actually want to do anything about it anymore," Dean told Castiel.

It seemed that once he had started speaking about his feelings, the words just flowed and he couldn't stop until he had told Castiel absolutely everything. Only when he was done did he realize what he just said and his eyes went wide and he clapped his hands over his mouth. Even though he had decided to tell Castiel the truth, this was even more than he had planned to tell.

"Do you feel like that right now?" Castiel asked gently and Dean nodded, still wearing that same shocked expression. Without saying anything he slowly stood up and started to step away from Castiel, obviously wanting to leave the office. But he was so conflicted that he moved very slowly and gave Castiel the time to get up as well and move around his desk to stop Dean.

"Dean, I know this is scary," he said, holding on to the front of Dean's robe to stop him from moving away. He wanted to say more but he was so close to Dean that it was overwhelming and he forgot the words that had been meant to calm Dean. But Dean seemed to feel the same as Castiel did, because he had suddenly stopped trying to get away and was staring at Castiel's lips, breathing hard.

For a moment they just stared at each other, moving close and ever closer to each other. Until first their noses touched and then, without conscious thought of either man, they tilted their heads just right and slowly, carefully brought their lips together. The touch felt amazing, as if they were really feeling a human's touch for the first time. It was so intense and warm and thrilling that they moved even closer together, bodies pressed against each other as they parted their lips and let their tongues meet.

The need to breathe overcame them both at the same time and they broke the kiss and with it the amazing tension that had kept them going. Shocked they stumbled apart and stared at each other for a second, before Dean turned around and stormed out of Castiel's office, horrified at what had happened between them.

Castiel stayed behind. He had no idea what to do now. He certainly hadn't expected this to happen and was at a loss of how to deal with it. It had felt so wonderful that he decided this couldn't be wrong or sinful. He had to think about this, try to figure out what to do now. He knew that he wasn't supposed to have those kinds of feelings, those needs. But how could he not, when it felt so good. This was a dilemma he didn't know how to solve.


	7. Chapter 7

Castiel stared at the now closed office door for a while, debating whether to go after Dean and try to talk to him but decided against it in the end. This had come as a surprise for both of them. After his talk with Ellen, Castiel had spent a lot of time thinking about how to handle this situation but this was not what he had come up with. He hadn't planned to kiss Dean, it had just happened. And it had felt so good. He hadn't wanted for the kiss to end.

All his life he'd had no problem with celibacy, until now. Until Dean and this one taste he'd had of him. He knew it was wrong. He was a monk, an abbot and he was supposed to set an example for the other men. He should feel guilty or ashamed about what had happened but the truth was he didn't. He couldn't stop replaying that kiss over and over in his mind, he just couldn't help himself. He wanted more.

Sighing he went back to his chair and sat down again, staring blankly ahead. He would need to talk to Dean about this incident soon, to make sure the novice didn't freak out completely. But first he needed to get his own thoughts in order and figure out what to do and what to tell Dean. And it was probably a good idea to give him some time to think about everything for a bit, too. If he went to see Dean too soon, he might just frighten the guy and push him away. Castiel realized that he was treading a thin line here and had to find exactly the right words at the right time. It wouldn't be easy but he felt that Dean was worth the effort, no matter what became of it in the end.

Dean was indeed close to freaking out. He had run straight to his small room and closed the door behind himself and was now pacing the length of the room, trying to tell himself that the kiss hadn't been real. It must have been a dream and he just couldn't wake up. He even pinched his arm, just in case but it just hurt and nothing changed. It had felt too real anyway to be a dream. Too real and too good. And the way Castiel's body had felt against his…no he should really stop thinking about this.

The easiest thing would be to just ignore the whole thing and pretend that nothing had happened between them. But Dean doubted that Castiel would let him do that. He had a feeling that the abbot would probably want to talk to him about the kiss eventually. And he also thought that he should apologize to Castiel for just running away like he had. He thought about going back right away but when he reached the door he felt not ready for that confrontation and resumed his pacing.

A loud knock on his door made Dean stop in mid step. His first thought was that Castiel had come to his room now to talk to him and it scared him. He wasn't ready to see the abbot again just yet. But then the door opened and to Dean's relief Bobby came inside.

"Dean, here you are! I've been waiting for you. There's work for us," Bobby said a bit annoyed.

"I…I'm sorry. I had something else on my mind," Dean apologized quietly and Bobby really looked at him for the first time since barging into the room. He noticed how distressed his charge looked and his anger was gone at once. He closed the door and sat down on the bed motioning to Dean to take a seat as well.

"Problems?" he simply asked.

"I guess. I'm not really sure," Dean answered vaguely.

"And the abbot couldn't help you with it?" Bobby asked with concern in his voice.

"Not yet, no," Dean told him hesitantly. He didn't want to tell Bobby that Castiel was actually the cause of his problems.

"If you need to, you can go and talk to him right now. The work can wait," Bobby offered but Dean shook his head.

"No, thanks. I will talk to him eventually but I need to think a few things through first," he answered.

"Alright, whatever you say," Bobby told him. "Maybe working will help you. It'll take your mind of whatever it is that is bothering you. Sometimes that helps with finding a solution. And also I could really use a helping hand today."

"Yes, you're right. Let's go to work," Dean agreed and the hard work they had to do that day really kept him from worrying too much. They spent the day with moving pieces of furniture that were in need of repair and fixed them or they replaced the pieces that were a lost cause. By the end of the day Dean was exhausted and fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.

The next day went the exact same way and it was Saturday when Dean had finally some time to think about the situation with Castiel again. Because he had worked like a man possessed the days before, he and Bobby had finished with the furniture ahead of schedule and Dean actually had some free time.

He chose to go to the library again because it was great place to think. It was quiet and comfortable and felt somehow soothing. It was the perfect atmosphere to think about what he should do now, concerning Castiel.

After he'd spent one hour at the library, walking through the aisles between the books because he felt restless, Chuck carefully approached him.

"Can I help you find something? Just tell me what you're looking for and I'll get it for you and save you some time," he offered. Even though he had gotten used to seeing Dean in the library and had talked to him before, he was still speaking very quietly, forcing Dean to really concentrate on listening to him.

"Oh, no Chuck. Thanks. I'm not looking for a book today, I just needed a place to think," Dean answered gently. He liked the shy man and didn't want to scare him with loud or harsh words, so he always chose his words carefully when he was around Chuck.

"I understand. This is a great place to think, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is," Dean replied thoughtfully and sat down at one of the small tables that were scattered across the place, seemingly at random.

"So, is this still the same problem as last time? Have you not talked to the abbot about it yet?" Chuck asked after a moment. He was standing next to Dean's table and it didn't look like he was going to move any time soon. He seemed to care about Dean and really wanted to help him if he could.

Dean gave him a small smile before he answered. "Yes, it still is the same problem. I have spoken to Castiel about it but the problem is still there and I don't know what to do now. If anything it has gotten worse and I don't really know what to do about it."

"Did talking to the abbot help you, even it was just a little?" Chuck asked when Dean was quiet.

Dean had to think about this for a moment. True, talking to Castiel had led to the kiss and that had really messed things up but it also felt good that he didn't have to hide his feelings towards the abbot anymore, so in a way his talk with Castiel had helped.

"A little," he admitted after a few seconds.

"Well, it is easy then," Chuck announced and Dean looked up at him questioningly. Nothing about his situation seemed 'easy' to him.

"You have to talk to him again. And again if once isn't enough. If that last time he helped you, even if it was just a little, then you have to go back and let him help you a little more until your problem is gone," Chuck explained.

Dean thought about this for a bit and he realized that Chuck was right. Things wouldn't get better on their own. He needed to talk to Castiel and the sooner he did this, the better. Swiftly he got up from his chair, scaring Chuck with the sudden movement and making him take a step back. Immediately Dean slowed down to give Chuck a moment to relax again.

"Thank you, Chuck. You've been a great help," Dean said and then left to go to Castiel's office. Chuck's little speech had been the final push he'd needed to bring up the courage to talk to Castiel again.

He walked quickly and soon reached the office where he knocked on the door but received no answer. He knocked again and called, "Castiel?" but there was still no reaction from inside. Carefully Dean tried the door and stepped into the office when he found it unlocked. He would just wait here for the abbot then, he decided and walked to his usual chair to sit down and wait for Castiel's return.

He was just about to sit down when he noticed a file on the desk which had his name on it. Curious he walked closer to the desk and saw that the file was actually quite thick. Thicker than he would have thought it could be after being a novice for only a few weeks. Tentatively he touched the file and, his heart beating faster because he knew he shouldn't do this, probably shouldn't even know that there was a file, pulled it closer and slowly lifted the cover.

The first page was just some general information about him. His name, his age, what kind of work he did at the monastery. Next came a few reports from Bobby, which Dean didn't read but from what he saw while turning the pages, they all seemed to be positive. Then came some pages in Castiel's beautiful handwriting but if Dean had hoped to get an idea about what Castiel was really thinking about him, he was sorely disappointed. The information was just about his studies and how he was performing as a novice in general. It was very matter-of-fact and void of any emotions or personal thoughts.

But the file contained still more papers and Dean was very curious about them. Before he could get to them though and read more, he heard steps outside the office door and then the door opening and he quickly closed the file and put it back to where he had found it. Then he sat down in his chair and turned his head to see Castiel entering the office.

"Dean. I was just looking for you," the abbot greeted and walked around his desk to sit down himself.

"And I was looking for you. Sorry for just coming in. The door was open," Dean answered, suddenly feeling guilty for just going into the office without Castiel being there. But the guilt might also have had something to do with his reading the file without permission.

"No, that's quite alright. My door is never locked," Castiel answered with a kind smile and Dean filed that information away for future use. Maybe he would get another chance to look at the file, he thought. This was also the reason why he watched carefully as Castiel took the stack of files and papers from his desk and put them away.

"Alright. I believe we need to talk," the abbot said when he was facing Dean again and the novice nodded in agreement. They really had a lot to talk about.


	8. Chapter 8

Dean was waiting patiently until Castiel started speaking again. Of course, he had come here but he just did not know how to start this conversation. But first Castiel just looked at him, his blue eyes seeming to look right into Dean's soul. Dean was close to confessing all kinds of sins, regardless of whether he had committed them or not. The abbot's gaze was so intense that he almost started to squirm in his seat under this close scrutiny.

"I would like to apologize for what happened during our last meeting," Castiel started and Dean was surprised because he had expected a lecture but not an apology.

"No, you don't. It was my fault," Dean disagreed. He was bad, wrong. His dad had told him many times and now he had proven him right by corrupting an abbot who even apologized for it.

"How is this your fault?" Castiel asked. "I stood up and came closer to you and I don't remember you forcing yourself on me." Dean was quiet. He didn't know what to say. He couldn't answer Castiel's question.

"See? You can't give me a reason. It wasn't your fault and you have nothing to apologize for. I'm the one who should have handled the situation better," the abbot continued.

"But I need to at least apologize for running out like I did," Dean said, desperate for some kind of forgiveness, even if it was just a tiny little thing like fleeing an uncomfortable situation.

"Alright, apology accepted," Castiel told him with a kind smile and it instantly made Dean feel better. There was a pause before Castiel asked quietly, "Do you regret it? The kiss?"

Again Dean was surprised by the abbot's words and he stared at Castiel for a moment. Castiel looked back expectantly, waiting for Dean's answer. "No," the novice finally said. "It was wrong but I don't regret one second of it."

"Neither do I," Castiel admitted and after these confessions both men were quiet, thinking about what they had just learned and what it would mean for them.

"But…why don't I? It was wrong, shouldn't I feel bad about it?" Dean asked, feeling confused. He just couldn't make sense of his contradictory feelings and thoughts.

"Why was it wrong?" Castiel asked. He felt the same way as Dean but he suspected that he thought their kiss had been wrong for a different reason than Dean did.

"Because you and I… we're both male. We shouldn't be…" Dean stopped talking and turned his face away from Castiel when he felt himself blushing.

"Attracted to each other?" Castiel asked calmly and Dean looked back at him and nodded.

"It's wrong," he whispered and Castiel leaned back and sighed, wondering what to tell Dean.

"Do you feel sick? Do you believe that your homosexuality is a disease that needs to be cured? Do you think that these people are sick?" Castiel then asked Dean, deliberately shocking the young man in front of him with this question and a picture of a same sex couple that had just gotten married, to make him think about it, really think for himself, instead of just accepting his father telling him he was an abomination.

"I…I don't know. No, I don't think so. They look so happy," Dean answered pulling the picture closer, smiling as he looked at the newlyweds who radiated happiness.

"They are. They don't question who they are. And neither should you. The Lord made you the way you are and it just happens that you are gay. But if He created you like that, can it be wrong?"

Dean was quiet. He needed to think about this a bit. But Castiel's logic was irrefutable. "I guess not," he agreed but still a little unsure.

"But you're still so ready to believe this," Castiel said and pulled the file, he had just put away, out of the cabinet again and flipped through the pages until he reached one that Dean hadn't read yet. He turned the file around and handed it to Dean so he could read the few handwritten lines on the page. Dean immediately recognized his father's handwriting.

"He wrote you? You knew about me before I came here?" he asked incredulously and feeling betrayed, as he looked back up at Castiel without reading the page.

"Read," was all Castiel said in response and after staring a little bit longer Dean looked back down at the letter and read what his father had written. The letter was dated to the day on which Dean had told his dad about his decision to join this very monastery.

"Oh, sorry. I thought he would have told you exactly what was wrong with me," Dean apologized after he had read the letter.

"No, as you can see he didn't. He thinks you are confused or maybe even mentally ill and hoped that I could straighten you out," Castiel answered.

"That didn't work out too well," Dean told him and Castiel nodded.

"Take the letter with you if you want. Think about what your father said and what we talked about and then decide what feels right for you. Come back to me once you have figured it out, okay?"

"Okay, thank you," Dean said and took the letter out of the file and went to his room. He sat down on his bed and read the few lines his father had written again and again. And he got mad at his dad while he did this. Mad that his dad couldn't accept his son they way he was and had made him believe he was wrong, an abomination.

Talking with Castiel and also Ellen and Chuck and even Bobby had slowly made him feel like a normal person. These people cared for him and wanted to help him. They didn't judge him and it felt good. He started to believe that Castiel had been right when he had told him that he was the way he was because God had made him this way.

"I'm neither confused nor mentally ill, am I?" Dean asked Castiel a few days later, still a bit unsure but feeling more confident about himself already. Apparently joining a monastery had been just what he'd needed, although he had expected something else. He had expected to learn to suppress his feelings, not accept them as something natural.

"You may be confused but not in the way your father believes. But you're definitely not ill in any way and it's good to see you realizing this," Castiel agreed.

"And it just took a kiss," Dean said quietly.

"A little more than a kiss. It took a lot of doubting, talking and thinking, too," Castiel said with a smile.

"How do you feel about this?" Dean then asked, curious about the abbot's thoughts. "Shouldn't this be a problem for you? Being an abbot and all?" he added when Castiel didn't answer right away.

"This? You mean the kiss?" Castiel asked him and Dean nodded.

"I believe that I am a human being just like you and we are not infallible. We make mistakes and we sin. Even abbots. But we can ask for forgiveness and the Lord will grant it if we truly regret," Castiel answered carefully. "I still don't regret having kissed you but I do regret breaking the rules."

Dean nodded thoughtfully. "I understand. I feel the same way."

They just sat there in silence then, looking at each other. Both still felt the attraction between them like an electrical current. When their eyes met it was like a pleasant shock but it didn't bother them as much anymore as it had in the beginning. They had made their peace with what had happened and now they enjoyed each others company.

"I've been thinking. I'm not sure a monastery is the right place for me after all. Don't get me wrong, I think this place rocks and I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't come here. I'm just not sure that I came for the right reasons. I mean, I do love God and want to praise and worship him but I'm not sure if that is enough for me to stay here for a lifetime. Not anymore," Dean confessed after a while of staring.

"I understand that, Dean. I have been suspecting this from the beginning but you were so lost and needed help that I didn't want to mention it until you were ready. Take all the time you need to find out what is right for you. If you find that you want to stay, you are more than welcome to. And should you decide that this life isn't for you then that is your decision and we won't think less of you for it," Castiel told him.

"Thank you. I'll let you know as soon as I have made up my mind," Dean said and then got up to leave. He walked back to his room on autopilot. His mind was preoccupied with weighing his options and trying to figure out whether he should stay or not. It was not an easy decision and he would take his time and think about it carefully.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter we're really all going to hell for. You have been warned. I'll see you there then ;) Enjoy.

For a few days Dean did everything that was expected of him but unlike before his heart wasn't in it. Even Bobby noticed that something was off and although he didn't know what it was, he didn't ask and Dean didn't say, he gave the young novice some time to think, instead of making him work all day. Sometimes being a mentor simply meant to give your charge some time alone, should he need it.

Making a decision was hard. Maybe this was the most difficult decision he'd ever have to make because it concerned his entire future. He liked it here in the monastery. He liked the people who lived and worked here, he liked the work and he liked their way of worshipping the Lord. It felt right and he felt like he had found a home he'd been looking for all his life.

But at the same time his meetings with Castiel had given him a new confidence and he no longer felt the need to hide who he really was, so he was now better equipped to live in the real world, face his dad and be happy. Though when he had made the decision to join a monastery, he hadn't made it lightly. He thought about it for a long time and it still felt like the right decision.

Having finally made up his mind he left his room and went to see Castiel. He could feel his heartbeat speeding up with every step he took closer to the abbot's office and realized he was nervous and excited about Castiel's reaction to his decision. Because if Castiel said he shouldn't stay then he wouldn't. It was ultimately Castiel's call.

"Dean. I didn't expect to see you so soon. Have you made your decision yet?" Castiel said when Dean entered his office.

"It wasn't easy but yes, I made my decision. I would like to stay, if that's okay," Dean answered and looked at Castiel, his heart beating even faster now that he waited for Castiel's response.

"Of course you can stay. I told you it was your choice," Castiel said and he hoped that his relief wasn't as evident in his words as he thought it was. Judging by Dean's smile it was though. But he couldn't help it. He didn't want the novice to leave, even though nothing could ever happen between them. He knew he wanted Dean to stay for the wrong reasons but he was only human and he just wasn't strong enough to tell Dean to go when Dean didn't want to.

"Good. I want to stay," Dean confirmed again, thrilled that Castiel seemed happy about his decision.

"Great. Then we'll continue meeting as we have, every Wednesday, for a few more weeks before you take your vows," Castiel told him and Dean smiled.

"Alright, I'll see you on Wednesday then," Dean said and then left the office and went back to his room. After this talk with Castiel he felt much better and could relax for a moment before finding Bobby and getting back to work. He stretched out on his bed but as he did this, he noticed a piece of paper that was stuck between the wall and the desk. He got up from the bed and crawled under the desk to free the paper and see what it was.

He stood up and immediately recognized it as the letter John had written to Castiel about him. He had forgotten that he still had it but he didn't need it anymore. Probably the letter should go back into his file, so Dean went back to Castiel's office to return it.

He opened the door without knocking first, expecting to find Castiel still sitting behind his desk. That was not the case at all though. When he opened the door and stepped through, he ran into the abbot, who'd been about to leave, causing them both to stumble and grab on to each other for balance.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," Dean mumbled when they had regained their equilibrium. He was still clutching Castiel's robe and Castiel's hands were still tangled in Dean's robe and when they looked up their eyes met and they realized how close they suddenly were to each other. Time seemed to stand still for a moment and all they did was look at each other and feel their hearts beating strongly in their chests.

And then their lips met without either of them being aware of having moved. It didn't matter. They were kissing again and it felt amazing. Even better than they remembered it from last time but maybe that was just because they had denied themselves this pleasure for so long.

"We shouldn't do this," Dean gasped before he leaned forward again to capture Castiel's lips in another long kiss.

"No, we shouldn't," Castiel agreed and moaned loudly when Dean started kiss a line along his jaw to his earlobe, sucking gently on it.

"Do you want me to stop?" Dean whispered with his lips against Castiel's ear.

"God, no," the abbot replied, not caring that he had just used the Lord's name in vain. It didn't really matter compared to what he was doing but there was no way he would stop now. Dean was like a drug right now that he couldn't get enough of.

"Good. 'Cause I really don't want to stop," Dean answered huskily and couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth. But they were absolutely true and when Castiel kissed him again he forgot all about his worries and just felt.

Slowly Castiel moved them to the side of his office, where a small door was located. Dean had noticed the door before but he had always assumed that it was just a storage room. But now that Castiel opened the door, he saw that this was actually Castiel's private room. Castiel pushed Dean through the door and closed it behind them, pushing Dean up against it, his knee pressing between Dean's legs, parting them.

"This is so wrong," Dean whispered but not doing anything to stop it.

"How can it be wrong when it feels so good? How can love ever be wrong, no matter whether it is between a man and a woman or two men?" Castiel asked, pressing small kisses on Dean's lips as he spoke.

"Love?" Dean asked surprised, pulling back a little to look at Castiel.

"What would you call it?" Castiel wanted to know and Dean thought for a moment. But he had to admit that Castiel was right. Whatever it was between them, it wasn't merely lust. Maybe Castiel was right and it was love.

He shrugged and his hands went around Castiel's back and pulled him closer, at the same time slowly pulling up the robe until the hem was in his hands, right above Castiel's ass. His hands slid down and under the boxers to reach the naked skin and knead the cheeks, making Castiel moan into his mouth. Dean smiled, enjoying the reaction he got from Castiel. He squeezed a little tighter making Castiel gasp and moan even louder and then Castiel's hand slid from the back of Dean's neck down his chest and quickly found Dean's hardening cock.

He rubbed it through the fabric of the robe and now Dean was moaning, too, pulling Castiel in even closer and moving his hips to get more delicious friction. For a while they stood there, rubbing against each other until the tension grew to strong and the friction they got this way wasn't enough anymore. Castiel stepped back and pulled his robe off on his way to his small bed and sat down, watching Dean as he followed and undressed as well.

When they were both lying in bed they kissed again and started stroking and exploring each others' bodies and soon they lost their boxer shorts and were completely naked. Castiel kissed down Dean's body until he reached his erect cock and carefully took him in his mouth, sucking and licking until Dean was moaning his name.

"Caaassss."

Castiel pulled away, smiling at the nickname and stroked Dean to completion and then kissed him until Dean had come down from his high and pushed Castiel on his back, so he could take care of him now. He stroked Cas' hard cock a few times and then sucked on Cas' fingers before guiding them to his entrance. Castiel understood and gently started to prepare Dean for a while, until Dean decided he was ready and lowered himself on Castiel's cock.

They both moaned at the new sensation and Cas gripped Dean's hips and as the younger man started moving, he thrust up into him at the same rhythm. Soon their rhythm faltered and it didn't take long for Cas to come inside Dean's tight heat, Dean collapsing on top of him right after.

"That was amazing," Dean whispered as he rolled off Cas and settled in bed beside him. "Wrong, but totally worth it."

"May he who is without sin cast the first stone," Castiel replied and Dean kissed him deeply, agreeing with him completely.

"Goodnight, Dean," Castiel whispered, putting his arms around the young novice.

"Night, Cas," Dean mumbled already half asleep but feeling happy and safe in Castiel's arms.


	10. Chapter 10

They made love again in the morning when they woke up and afterwards lay in each others' arms, happy, sated, content and completely oblivious of their surroundings for the moment. But a faint knock on the door to Castiel's office quickly made them return to reality.

When they heard the door open and steps moving into the office, just a wall away, Castiel hastily jumped out of bed and looked for his clothes, quickly pulling his robe over his head.

"Castiel? Abbot?" they could hear Bobby's voice call out.

"Just a moment," Castiel called back and signaled Dean to stay absolutely quiet before he opened the door to his office just wide enough for him to slip through. Dean could just hear the muffled conversation between Castiel and Bobby.

"I'm sorry if I interrupted you," Bobby was saying.

"No, no, it's fine," Castiel answered. "What do you need?"

"I'm worried about Dean. He's been keeping to himself a lot lately and today I thought I'd talk to him but I can't find him anywhere. I don't know if you know what is going on but if he hasn't come to talk to you yet, maybe you could try to find out what is wrong with him," Bobby said and suddenly Dean felt the urge to hold his breath to make sure that Bobby wouldn't realize that he was just next door and still naked in the abbot's bed.

"I can't tell you where Dean is at the moment but I'm sure he is fine. We just talked yesterday. He has some issues we've been dealing with but I think he's feeling better. I understand that you're worried but I assure you there is no reason for that. Just give Dean some time to work things out for himself," Castiel said after a short moment of silence.

"Okay, thanks Castiel," Bobby answered. "I guess he'll show up again when he's ready. Probably just needs some time alone at the moment then."

Dean could hear steps, when Bobby turned to leave and then he heard the door open and close and only then did he release the breath he'd been holding, ever since Bobby had mentioned his name. A few seconds later the door to the small bedroom he was in opened and Castiel stepped through, closing the door behind him again and leaning against it with a long sigh.

Dean sat up in bed and regarded him for a while. Neither of them said a word, they both just looked at each other, longing and pain in both their eyes, as they realized what needed to be said.

"This is not going to work, is it?" Dean finally broke the silence with a strained whisper.

Castiel took a deep breath. "I'm afraid it isn't," he agreed in a broken voice and Dean hung his head. He had known the minute Bobby had walked through the door and the fear of discovery had grown almost unbearably strong. He suspected that Castiel had felt the same way, even though he'd seemed so calm on the outside.

"You want me to leave the monastery," Dean said quietly and it was a statement, not a question. He looked up at Castiel again, knowing what he'd see in those blue eyes. He found pain but also relief and love.

"It's the only way," Castiel answered and Dean nodded.

"I know."

He got out of bed and quickly put his clothes back on, before walking towards Castiel and stopping right in front of him.

"You could come with me," he said in a neutral voice, not wanting to get his hopes up because really he knew the answer already.

Castiel gave him a sad smile. "You know I can't," he answered and Dean nodded again. "I love you, Dean and I have never said that to another person. But this can't continue and I cannot leave. My first and strongest love is for Him," he explained, looking up as he said that.

"I know that," Dean said, softly stroking Castiel's cheek, making the man look at him again. "And I understand. I never expected you to say yes but I had to try, didn't I?"

They both smiled at that.

"Just answer me one thing. Knowing what you know now, would you do it all again in exactly the same way?"

Castiel thought for only a second. "I would."

"Good. I would, too," Dean told him and then leaned forward to kiss Castiel for the last time. The kiss was soft but it had a desperate edge to it because they both knew it would have to last them for a lifetime and all their emotions were put into this one last kiss.

Finally Dean pulled away. "Thank you for everything you have done for me. I will never forget it and I will never forget you."

"Neither will I," Castiel replied. "I hope you can be happy now and live your life the way you want. I am grateful that I was able to get to know you and help you a little." He moved away from the door to let Dean pass and walk out of the room and out of his life for good and although it hurt he was okay with it. It was the right thing. They'd had their moments together and it had been wonderful but it had never been something that could last.

"I love you," Dean whispered just before he closed the door again and then he was alone. For a moment he wanted nothing more than to open that door again and hold Castiel and never let go of him but he knew that wasn't an option. It would only bring them both and many people around them great pain eventually. The way things were now was okay. He would move on and he would keep the memories of the last night with him forever.

Finally he moved from his spot and went straight to his room to change clothes and pack his few belongings. When he looked around the empty room one last time a wave of sadness suddenly hit him and a single tear slid out of his eye, which he wiped away, before it could fall to the ground. Then he left the room to find Bobby and Chuck to say goodbye to them. They had become good friends to him and he owed them at least a personal goodbye, even if he couldn't fully explain his reasons for his decision.

An hour later he was walking down the winding path he had walked up just a few months ago. When he reached the end, where the path met the paved road he turned around one last time. It had only been a few months but it felt like so much longer. So much had happened during those months that he was a completely different man now.

He hadn't yet told anyone in his family that he was leaving the monastery. Not because he was afraid of their reaction, John certainly would be livid but Dean didn't care anymore about what his dad thought, but because he wanted a little more time alone to slowly make the transformation from novice to the confident, young, gay man he would be from now on.

The longer he walked, the more the sadness about leaving Castiel dimmed and he was happy and excited about what was to come. Going to that monastery had been a good decision, although he had never expected things to turn out this way. Castiel had helped him accept who he was and he was thankful for that and ready for a life he would never have been able to have without Castiel's help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably not the happy ending most of you have been expecting or hoping for but I think it is a happy ending still. And it seemed like the only reasonable ending, too. I hope you enjoyed the story and thanks for reading :)


End file.
